Joshua's Journal

11:05pm: Fuck.
This place is desolate nowadays. The Friends page is empty. Empty. Friends was never really my forte.

I hate this place. It never really fitted well with me. Just making a note for anyone who still might read this: I am married (recently) and am expecting a baby in September. No plans to go home. Life begins now.

I might have some meaning...

3:55pm: Live H8

It is quite possibly a historic moment. With increasing publicity just before the kick-off that begins tonight that is meant to “rock the world into helping the poor”, Live 8 is upon us; and many hope that it will be the bang that will pull at the heartstrings of the players in the Group of 8 (G8). Synchronised events staged within each member of the G8 and the inclusion of South Africa (after all, Africa is the focal point of the poverty awareness, right?) will start off, with millions around the world viewing and being entertained by the biggest acts of today and yesterday. Nobody does philanthropy like rockstars and celebrities.

By now we’ve all been inundated with the purpose of the event: putting pressure on those G8 leaders while they have their meeting in Gleneagles, Scotland. Yes, it’s all so noble. And who could argue with that? Putting the agenda of eradicating poverty and creating awareness for the downtrodden in Africa is definitely one that all persons of this world can agree on. Hence the message (and the group): Make Poverty History.

And yet as those millions take the righteous cause and make the historic numbers of Live 8, just how much “awareness” do these people have? As they click their fingers displaying the mortality rate of children like those movie stars and wear that fashionable wristband, are they really aware?

While fronting a noble cause to Make Poverty History, those lovely wristbands being worn by millionaires are actually the product of Chinese sweatshops. The workers were under “ inadequate health and safety provision, lengthy hours, seven day weeks, employees cheated of their pay, inadequate insurance, no annual holidays and no right to freedom of association” and were described as “slave labour” conditions. This will certainly go down in history, for all the wrong reasons.

It is all quite comical if the issue did not so much at stake. The fact that a campaign to help the plight of those living in destitution, that their symbol was made off the backs of the very people who they’re meant to be the benefactors of, is all too insidious. It’s very ironic that the disputed wristbands tell more about poverty than its previous intention. Before it was purely emblematic. Now it’s living proof of how deep the problem runs; it even permeated the very campaign that was opposing such practices.

The hype of helping the poor can lead one to be blindsided. While praise has been heaped upon Bob Geldof for organising such a festival, he has encountered the odd critic here and there (no Africans on the bill, way to be supportive); but mostly he has been given a badge of honour. Even those on the left have applauded Sir Geldof. After all, it is for the best cause.

And it’s that type of mentality that makes the most noble of us to be made of a fool here. We need no reminder of the Make Poverty History wristband we will have a reminder of it by the millions tonight.

No, we are fooled once again into believing that the cause to ending poverty is being helped by those rich people who control whole continents in the G8. Yes, there was an outpour of back-patting when the rich men had a benevolent spasm and announced the cancellation of the odious debt owed by the world’s poorest nations. Even U2’s poverty-connoisseur Bono displayed affection for Tony Blair and Gordon Brown, depicting them as a John Lennon and Paul McCartney of the political stand. The G8 debt relief has been given, to a lesser extent, an approval by campaigners such as JubileePlus and Make Poverty History.

Looking deeper into the proposed debt cancellation, meant to be 100 %, is just more of G8 chicanery that has gripped Africa in poverty to begin with. The Blair and Brown affectations has misled those millions into believing that they’re for the cause to end poverty and accepted the fallacious thumbs-up that the public is showing. How aware are those people about this? By the looks of Geldof and Bono, the harbingers of charity, they’re all oblivious.

For you see, the proposal only qualifies eighteen countries for the debt cancellation (others are to follow), the majority in sub-Saharan Africa, and only the money owed to the International Monetary Fund (IMF), African Development Bank and the World Bank are wiped. Say hello to the Inter-American Development Bank.

While there is a huge bulk of money that is now going to be enabled to spend on other priorities, aid is now being cut along with the proposal. In order for them to regain the aid, they are back on the route to the IMF and the World Bank. Both bodies have imposed conditions that have left thousands in disaster, and have robbed [.pdf] the people blind.

In actuality, it is the privatisation measures and the neoliberalism model that has been instrumental in exacerbating poverty. The very fact is the G8 is only perpetuates the poverty that overruns the African continent and others of the global south. Latin America is receiving a massive backlash that has triggered a domino effect leaving Colombia as possibly the sole U.S. friendly regime in the region. Bolivia today is a prime example of the common people saying enough is enough.

Members of the G8 are responsible for arms deals to developing countries. The G8 is also oblique on climate change. While the EU has signed up for 0.7% of gross domestic product (GDP), the U.S. refused to comply. As the biggest economic power, they only give 0.16% of their budget. As Torcuil Crichton points out, “ The African Growth and Opportunity Act, which sounds like a benevolent multilateral trade agreement between the US and Africa, forces participants to remove subsides from their industries (while allowing the US to subsidize its own) and insists on privatization of social services such as water even in countries that face drought.”

That is the dynamics of the economic politics we have today. The result is cash being stuffed in the pockets of the oligarchs, while the rest are left to scramble for the pieces being reaped by outside forces. Colonialism has not abated; it pervades every Third-world country today, all thanks to the G8 (and others).

So how much awareness is really being created here? There will be protestors lining up in Edinburgh to be the real awareness here, not some campy, trendy get-up organised by know-it-alls in the spotlight thinking they’re doing their bit for society. These people have been detached from the reality here. They’re hunkered off. They even wear clothing and eat treats that are part of the problem. They give support to those leaders who are the beneficiaries of such the livelihood that is possible when there is a class order.

Even today of all days, when all eyes are focused on those who are suffering horrific conditions of poverty and what we can do about it, the Senate has passed by the slimmest of margins the Central America Free Trade Agreement (CAFTA) after months of being blocked in the House. The cousin of NAFTA is on the helm here, even after such successes that is happening in South America to show that the tide is turning against the neoliberalism model. CAFTA is a bad deal that will create a bigger divide between the top earners and those at the bottom, and also be a backward step to accessibility to much needed medicines. Awareness of the real effects of the policy has kept it on the shelf for many months. We can have a similar success against the G8 with more knowledge of their proposals and to make it public.

While one cannot really blame those who want to truly help by showing their support here tonight and to be entertained while also having a heartfelt message that they are making a difference but rest assured, the millions in attendance for Live 8 will make even make a dent like those setting up their pickets in Edinburgh. For if one did truly want to apply pressure on those G8 penny pinchers, they’d abandon all thoughts that those celebrities wearing bands that were made off the backs off those humans who’s combined wages do not even make a percentage of Brad Pitt’s haircut or Bono’s sunglasses and leave the concert in Hyde Park and join the masses in Edinburgh in bringing the “real” issue of poverty to the G8.

They may have legitimised those who are the very essence of the problem, be we certainly won’t.

7:44pm: Demolition Durbin

So Senator Richard Durbin (D-Illinois) has succumbed to the pressure being applied on him by those bullies masquerading as Republicans. Never mind what Durbin should really be sorry for, but the smear police is out in full force to deflect any negativities that may magnify on their failed policies and make a mockery of those who criticise those same failed policies. Durbin cracked and emoted some tears. Sadly, it’s not that salty discharge which is making this whole episode bitter.

The contentious issue is Durbin’s “outlandish” remarks about the notorious prison of Guantanamo Bay. Spoken in a speech on the Senate floor, Durbin refers to an FBI account of the condition a prisoner is subjected to stating, “you most certainly would believe this must have been done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags, or some regime – Pol Pot or others – that had no concern for human beings. Sadly this is not true. This was the action of Americans in their treatment of prisoners.” The entire speech can be read here [.pdf].

This is what has caused the uproar within both Republican and Democratic parties. Senator Trent Lott (R-Mississippi) is asking for Durbin to resign; but you can’t accuse Lott of sour grapes huh? And former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has even urged the U.S. Senate to censor Senator Durbin. Quite audacious, but Gingrich has never failed to characterise that adjective.

All in all, it’s quite the furore. But a furore for all the wrong purposes because as it so happens, with all the attention of Senator Durbin and his wilting performance against the right-wing ideologues, the actual practice of torture being used in Guantanamo Bay, you know, the one facility that Durbin actually spoke about, is continuing and is not challenged yet again by those responsible. Right now, the Bushmen are two for two: Amnesty International being the first casualty, and now Durbin. It seems any attempt to bring to light the conditions that prisoners are being afflicted in the prison is not taken “seriously”.

Let us keep in the dark (and especially those prisoners too) the fact that FBI has recorded many infringes of the Geneva Conventions, which the U.S. has ratified as well with The Hague, and that the abuse that is being inflicted is illegal and those many criminals who were responsible for high crimes against humanity were put to death by none other than the U.S. officials. I distinctly remember a certain Defense Secretary admitting that of the abuse and that he took full responsibility. We didn’t see a squeak for his resignation.

We can also remain silent about the Human Rights Watch reports that continues to denounce the prison two years on, preventing release of those detained and a strict breach of their civil liberties. You can also discount the UN who has stated that they have reliable accounts of torture in Guantanamo, as “many of these allegations have come to light through declassified (US) government documents.” There are countless others condemning the American Gulag. I haven’t even included the endless stream of accusations of former detainees.

Even Washington has admitted to the torture. So why all the hubbub about Durbin?

Apparently in our post-9/11 dynasty where the U.S. rules and nothing else matters, criticising the use of torture in your name is a bigger crime than actually implementing the order for torturing prisoners, or detainees, in the Bush Brother’s newspeak. That’s what the Durbin affair is remarking to us all, the Amnesty International defaming, Ward Churchill witch hunt along with numerous others who aren’t falling in line with being obedient with the new rules written and rewritten by the Empire. Use the word Nazi and you’re an anti-Semite. Use the word Gulag and you’re discredited and labelled “pinko” or “commie”. Call for a withdrawal of troops from Iraq and you’re brandished what every American fears to be called: unpatriotic. It doesn’t even stop at that; terrorist sympathiser comes to mind; apologist is another. Anything but you’re actual name is what you are. And it’s your words that are targeted, not their actions. They make it seem that you were actually helping Saddam build those non-existent weapons of mass destruction, they make it seem like you were there in Auschwitz sending Jew after Jew (they never mention that homosexuals and blacks and political dissidents and… Well, not just Jews were slaughtered by the Third Reich) to be extinguished; they make it seem that you were the one flying those planes into the World Trade Center; in essence, they have conflated any resistance to be ones synonymous with terrorists. That’s what they do in Iraq, that’s what they’ll do on their home turf.

With succession, they have once again avoided their call for accountability. Never mind what else Durbin said on the speech, which is around eight pages, just focus on the “Nazi” word. How many actually read Churchill’s essay, I wonder. How many will actually read Durbin’s speech in its full context?

Instead of the character assassination [.pdf]that is plaguing the Washington lifestyle today the atrocity that are being carried out must never be censored by sensitive types or those with political motives. I fail to believe that Durbin’s apology has rectified the problem that is anti-Semitism or the Holocaust. That happened half a century ago. Guanatanamo is today’s pockmark of humanity; I really don’t think Durbin’s apology will stop that either.

9:02pm: Boot-y Call

Facing flagging recruitment numbers, the war in Iraq escalating ever more as we raise the hotly-contested issue and with the stark reality of “overreach” by the U.S. Empire, two talking points arises whenever these two subjects are juxtaposed as to how the U.S. will alleviate the pressure on the omnipresent army: (1) Withdraw from Iraq; or (2) Institute the draft?  Besides the pressure coming within Bush’s own ranks to implement some sort of plan, any plan, (do they plan for anything?) to bring the troops home and stop the bloodletting that is claiming more and more lives, the President is unrelenting and will not wilt to give any semblance of a withdrawal.  And even with plenty of fears that the draft will rear its ugly head, the men on top have denied any such plans (again, no plans) to reintroduce it.

 

So what does that leave?  Staying the course, essentially: but this is what “staying the course” looks like.  And since the majority of Americans are now feeling quite off colour to the Iraqi debacle, and with a leaked memo here and a leaked memo there to expose the lies and “disassembling”, and with not a lot of encouraging news coming from the warfront, it certainly isn’t painting the rosy picture that those military recruiters have been telling.

 

“Staying the course” is making the recruiters’ job hell.  The “insurgency” certainly isn’t having such trouble, all thanks to “staying the course”.  Too bad those military recruiters don’t get bonuses for that.

 

With such dismal figures and poor techniques to seduce more young, able bodies to be shipped off to the land of oil, it’s time to really give these people a swift boot.  A Max Boot.

 

As it so happens, the militarist hardliner Boot has all the solutions that will make problems go away, well, at least simmer down for the time being.  It’s not the draft; and it’s certainly not withdrawal: enlist illegal immigrants to fight in the military, as he dearly suggested in his odious piece.

 

Naturally to Boot, withdrawal “would hand victory to terrorists and undo everything that more than 1,700 Americans have given their lives to achieve.”  I sorely disbelieve that those 1,700 who paid the ultimate price wanted this sort of Iraq.  Surely two years after “Mission Accomplished” with elections for a “government” body and the mentoring of Iraqi soldiers and what we have is a place rife with disaster, no security, phobias of US soldiers, unemployment that makes the eyes boggle and a complete lack of reconstruction in the country: this is what Iraq is now.  It’s a funny looking democracy.  And they died for this?  Not to mention (and Boot definitely won’t mention it) that Iraqis are also dying here.  Weren’t they the ones the US military were meant to be liberating?  Remember Operation Iraqi Liberation?  Nah, that’s O.I.L.  My mistake it’s Operation Iraqi Freedom.  Forget about actually questioning the U.S. presence in Iraq itself as that issue is not in the scope of Boot’s mindscape here.  He remains relentless with his bravado for American warfare, as failure here is not an option.  The draft option for Americans is reprehensible; but a draft for foreigners, well, that’s just a good idea.  Boot has minimised their humanity to a commodity.  Those lucky enough born on the good side of the border has the choice to fight but those illegals don’t deserve to make up their minds for themselves.  As far as Boot is concerned, these foreigners are just warm bodies just waiting to fill in the holes of a crumbling military.

 

It doesn’t matter to Boot that with the ongoing campaigning of counter-recruitment pervading the U.S. is that those kids don’t want to join.  Boot states the “high quality of the all-volunteer force.”  It is only “high quality” when people are joining their ranks but when those targets start using their own minds and saying “no thanks, Uncle Sam” then extreme measures must be taken to rectify the problem.  Quaff the Destiny’s Child:  Where they at?

 

And what is better than sending foreigners to do our bidding?  With the lure of U.S. citizenry, Boot wants to achieve a proxy force akin to a sweatshop: this is what Nike and Wal-Mart would look like if they were in business of militarism.  Always low prices (death, injury, post-traumatic stress disorder, radiation).  Always.  Just do it.  Enlist. “The Nepalese Gurkhas” die for the “Union Jack” you can die for the “Stars And Stripes”.  What has that flag ever done for you?

 

Having had enough of seeing good honest white people dying for Old Glory, Boot wants to replace those white guys (gay or not) and girls (also, gay or not, whichever, they’re hiring anyone) with non-white guys and girls.  Hey, you’re not part of the country here yet (the operative word here), you have no rights whatsoever, but you can go fight our wars, and then, maybe, just maybe, you can be part of our gang.  Brilliant. It’ll be like a DREAM (Development, Relief and Education for Alien Minors Act). Just like the French Foreign Legion, eh Max?

 

Sending off the bottom-feeders of society already, the Boot plan would attempt to “make use” of those “extra bodies” that only fill in the maintenance work.  They can mop a floor they can mop a military mess too, apparently.  This will breed the “hardworking immigrants” that is so integral to Boot and the cogs of the neoliberalistic order.  Keep “them” in line; teach them discipline:  all this because they just want to escape the conditions of their former homes and try to build a new life.  If these illegals were given normal civil liberties like any other normal person (or white person, for that matter) then I would really love to see if they would embrace U.S. citizenship as Boot and those xenophobes preach about.

 

And with Congress expressing their greater desire to create more poor people, the incentive of “serving your country” may be not an incentive but the only alternative.  Boot’s contingent certainly will be having some company; they’re poor too, except for them, it’s an ultimatum: serve or be deported.  This is the level of respectability that lies within “the high quality of the all-volunteer force”.  Those “jobs available", plentiful ones that is, are too much competition for the allure of the fatigues.

 

I guess now those officials up top are so seduced by the success of “rendition”, getting other people to do the dirty work for us, they believe that it can work militarily too.  Why not?  They’d be using one form of enemy against another enemy.  For a ghoul like Boot, it’s a win-win situation, something that will help keep Pax Americana in power for “500 years”.  Apparently embracing your affinity for imperialism and empire building is not taboo.  When in Rome…

 

Boot continues by saying that “so many people are so desperate to move here” that he sees “a few years in the military would seem a small price to pay”.  I guess the price 1,700 Americans paid is more honourable than the “small price” that immigrants would pay.  It begs to question why Boot himself isn’t enlisting because the “price” is so marginal?  What would he do for the flag?  Sit and suggest that immigrants can do something for it for him.  He would certainly Support Those Troops.

 

I have a better suggestion: why not enlist the Minuteman Project?  It makes perfect sense to me.  They undertook border patrol; they armed themselves; they sat and braved the desert heat of Arizona; they practised looking through binoculars searching for “enemies”; and they confessed into mobilising for the sake of national security.  Bingo!  We have our new recruits.  By the reports of the month-long sentinel mission, they are dying for some real action.  And there’s no more action happening right now than in Iraq.  I read the Green Zone needs some good, hard working troops with flags sown to their shoulders.

 

Now that’s a plan.

10:15pm: Downing Street Syndrome

Over a month has surpassed since the "leaked" document of Downing Street that many on the left have correctly labelled the "smoking gun"; and with the recent outing of Mark Felt, the man who leaked information that help bring about the downfall of President Nixon, it would seem that "leaks" are what's in business today.  But you wouldn't know it from the silence of the media down here, or up in the good old US of A.  The blackout has lasted much longer than many have hoped, and only because of the Blair-Bush summit in Washington that one Reuters reporter had the temerity to ask about the memo which depicted the Bush Administration as hellbent on removing Saddam via the military, and that the "intelligence were being fixed around the policy".  With so much attention being lauded on Downing Street by the alternative media and those pesky bloggers(which are putting the shame on many so-called journalists by going where the spineless refuse to go), the minutes of the memo is "embedded" within my memory that reciting the damning information is now as simple as reciting the alphabet.  But once again the mainstream media have been exposed to the partisan party-line affiliates that they are, and this won't be the last time that such an occurrence will appear this year.

 

In fact, most of the editorials and criterias have not been on the issue of the Downing Street memo, one which outlines how the Commander-in-Chief lied and "disassembled" his way to get to the Gulf, pounded and pounded the public with his "propaganda" to scare those who didn't know any better into sacrificing their sons and daughters and mothers and fathers for a war against a man that had "weapons of mass destruction" and was intent on making "mushroom clouds" on U.S. soil; but the scrutiny is about the absence of coverage on the report that enabled Bush, Blair and Howard to pilage and plunder Iraq and help the recruiting for the terrorist networks.  Too bad Bush isn't as successful in recruiting more men to be fodder.

 

They are fit to be outraged:  google Downing Street and you will find a vast array of opinions, blogs and editorials from the alternate media, mixed in with the occasional Times and Post publications.  Googling it for Australian websites only, and the search is a pitiful reminder of who owns and controls the media outlets down under.  You won't find it in the Herald or the Telegraph.  Aside from the blogs, the only media outlets were The Age and the ABC, with the ABC only reporting about it yesterday (thanks to Reuters) and The Age being on the Blair election.   All the talk is about the story being a "dud" in the United States: well, if it bombed over there, it certainly didn't even squeak here.  Nevermind the fact that Howard is complicit with every war crime thanks to his alliance with "Furious George", and that Australians suffered their first Iraq war casualty earlier this year, and that Howard pledged to increase the number of troops to be sent into Iraq, and that we have a citizen being held hostage, The Murdoch Empire and The Packer Kingdom just do not believe that the typical Australian citizen is warranted this little tidbit of news.  Let us direct those angry people against Indonesia; they’re the real criminals here.

 

All of the omissions and “blackout” of Downing Street, the one memo that could put George Bush to the throes of what the Republicans did to Bill Clinton: one lied about destroying a war-torn-sanctioned-for-over-a-decade with half a the population being children and is the current folly of today with attack after attack and no sign of the “insurgency” slowing down even with all the reassurances of the Vice President; and the other lying about get some action from an intern, despite the fact that Mr. Charisma gave the Serbians their own personal bomb show; this silence, you can be forgiven if all the reporters were stricken with a disorder, a “Downing Street Syndrome”, rendering them completely dumbfounded, especially since basically everyone else with a computer and internet access has laid siege on the memo, as you can plainly see right here.

 

After all, it has been well over six weeks since the report was first leaked in the U.K., and it remains quite untouched here in Australia.  Even the left-wing Socialist Worker has omitted the finding.  It has never been more evident who pays their bills.

 

Back on the second anniversary of the Iraq War, I wrote that the fears of those who oppose the war were being realised because the war was being relegated to those back pages, to those blurbs, and to the sections that are bypassed by the every day person looking for an escape to their monotonous lifestyle of work and home.  But now it has become much worse: not only is the war being minimally covered, the biggest news of all isn’t even being reported on.  Remember those thousands who marched before the war begun?  Where is their anger now?

 

It’s been two years and most have now given in to acceptance and defeat.  Howard won the election, so did Bush and Blair.  We all see through the rhetoric but yet we all sit down and accept what they do in our name, with our money, and with our land.  And with the deaths that continue to pile up thanks to the “fixed” intelligence, they also do what they want with our bodies, our neighbour’s bodies, and our family’s bodies.  Such “consent” has now made all of us complicit with their crimes.

 

The Iraqis certainly haven’t “accepted” defeat.  We can also put a stop to all of this.

 

For no longer should we be able to stand with the duplicity and lies that the Howard government has committed with our permission, and no longer should we be able to remain silent on what is in fine print the lie that we all knew to be true but now have ample evidence to take it to higher matters.  Because with every war crime committed in Iraq, with every body bag that returns to the homeland, with every Iraqi civilian life being taken in the quagmire, with every Halliburton contractor being exploited and targeted by the “insurgency”, with every child dying because of the conditions plaguing them thanks to the U.S. invasion two years ago, with every systematic abuse of detainees rounded up to make the numbers look impressive for the “war on terror” to be successful, with every “friendly fire” that takes away the lives of friends; the benefactors of the war and all those war profiteers and warmongers are responsible and should be held accountable.

 

The media may be silent towards all of this, but you do not have to. Do not be complicit with the atrocities that are being conducting in the name of Australia, in the guise of “security”, and because of the betterment of a Saddam-less world.  I am reminded of an Iraqi who spoke with the ubiquitous Dahr Jamail stating, “The war will only create many more ‘little’ Saddams”.  Just check out the suppressed annual report on terrorism by the US to see how many more were borne thanks to the intervention in Mesopotamia.

 

I urge all to take action.  Support John Conyers (D, Michigan) and the other eighty-eight Democrats who want the President to answer to them about Downing Street.  The Republicans took matters into their own hands regarding Clinton; let’s hope they can find a spine in their sycophantic body to impeach a president who’s losing in so many polls (the ones he can’t fix).

7:07pm: House of "Whack"

"The report has had serious consequences," McClellan said. "People have lost their lives. The image of the United States abroad has been damaged."

 

No, this is not the response of White House spokesman Scott McClellan on the leaked Downing Street memo that notified the world that the Bush Co. did not have any alternatives in removing Saddam aside from the military standpoint, and that war was declared well before the bombs started falling in Iraq. Mr McClellan is denouncing the Newsweek report that had been allegedly the "impetus" over the protestations and riots in Afghanistan and parts of Pakistan that resulted in death, the fatal number going on sixteen. In Indonesia protests were also held.

 

The pressure from the White House has led to Newsweek retracting their original story and issuing an official apology. If you had any doubts that the people in Washington were bullies, they can be dispersed as of now.

 

But the main issue here isn't Newsweek; and their report on the May 9th issue is being disputed. The fact that Newsweek actually reported a story that had some real meat about it and exposing the follies of the Administration is one to be lauded over, especially in light of the latest National Conference on Media Reform speaking on the failure of the media and demanding "media justice". As I write this, there are panoply of reports and editorials about how Newsweek actually were spot on: the desecration of the Koran by US G-men has been documented and alleged by detainees for years now.

 

And the Newsweek report in fact didn't damage the "image of the United States" abroad. McClellan speaks as if the US she were a Red Cross attendant before the report of Koran abuse. The image of Abu Ghraib certainly is not the best facelift the US could have had. Reports of renditions and tortures do not give the Empire a benevolent outlook. And the war in Iraq isn't painting a pretty picture regardless of how the White House wants to play that PR game with the rest of the American public. Even the nomination of US bully man John Bolton wasn't well received. One can even argue that having George Bush at the throne isn't giving many Arabs the smiley face.

 

In fact, the US and their continued denial of accountability of the atrocities being laid waste on their hands, is the reason why their image is being "damaged" abroad. They wanted Newsweek to be held accountable for the "faulty" news, which they attribute solely as why there were protests (After all, Arabs love the Americans; they have no reason to protest against them. They were their benefactors.), and they blame Newsweek for the deaths. No punishment is to be given to the police who fired on protestors; and naturally, as what happens in this topsy-turvy world we live in, the folks who desecrated the Koran get away with murder; or in this case, torture. Just plead guilty and you'll get off scot-free.

 

It would be more appropriate if McClellan had spoken of the Downing Street memo, the one that eighty-nine Democrats want the Bush squadron to answer to. After all, this "report" has had "serious consequences." In Iraq, "people have lost lives." And thanks to the US intervention in the Middle East the "image of the United States abroad has been damaged."

 

With tens of thousands of Iraqis piling up the body count, with many accusations and accounts of abuses and torture by former detainees, with the corpses of the thousands of children who paid the price of being an Iraqi thanks to US sanctions, with the defamation and smear campaigns of those who speak and sympathise for the ones falling prey to the US foreign policies, and now with the death toll of sixteen because of the Koran abuse protestations, suddenly the Bush Administration are cherishing Arab lives. Isn't that right, Rummy?

 

"People lost their lives. People are dead," Rumsfeld said. "People need to be very careful about what they say, just as they need to be careful about what they do."

 

But you don't have to be careful when it comes to regime change on any means necessary. You can fabricate to the world that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction to make the case to remove him and reap the benefits of the remains. You can concoct stories about the dictator's ties with Badman Bin Laden and that Saddam was instrumental in those nasty planes that hit the World Trade Center. You can have your National Security Strategy depict images of "mushroom clouds" that help the cause to invade a country that posed no threat, and "had less of a WMD capability than Iran, North Korea or Libya."

 

And they were very "careful" when they said they were using the UN route, when clearly the "intelligence were being fixed" for a war in Iraq. All "reports", the falsified intelligence that enabled the US/UK warmongers to ship off and destroy the Iraqi landscape, have led to people losing their lives. "People are dead." And if sixteen lives meant so much to the Administration, the Lancet can give them 100,000 more reasons to cry over "falsified" news and intelligence.

4:38pm: The Doublespeak Easy

Lately the calendar has embarked the anniversaries of some very significant dates that shaped twentieth century history: the end of World War II, the cessation of the siege in Vietnam, and the declaration of "Mission Accomplished" by President George Bush on the war in Iraq. Unlike the former dates that ended imperialism, "Mission Accomplished" does not resemble any sort of semblance to the coined term commanded to the world. Many have been vehement to make the connection with Vietnam and World War II (especially since George has "celebrated" the anniversary in Moscow and the "near abroad" of the former Soviet empire) with today's fiasco in hopes to show that it isn't too late to not make the mistakes of the past repeat today. It was only two years ago that the conflict began in Iraq, and in comparison with the other two wars in question, the timeframe has been small. Which is why those many who bore witness to the blood and terror waged by the power-states are so adamant in attempting to end this occupation right here, right now.

 

And now nothing seems to be abating the situation in Iraq; not the elections, not the newly elected officials, not the formation of the parliament, not the supposed training of Iraqi police, and certainly not the lack of a timeline for withdrawal of foreign troops. In fact, violence in Iraq is increasing. The rise has been so significant, that antiwar.com has dedicated an entire section for the upsurge in the "insurgency" actions and reactions.

 

It takes the "Mission Accomplished" declaration to a new meaning. But plenty of words and phrases have been subjected to the Bush "doublespeak" of USA. Nothing is meant to make sense; and that's the way you erase history from memory.

 

More and more evidence continues to condemn the war in Iraq. Another document that has been leaked was printed in the UK exposing that the Iraqi plan for regime change was concocted well before, and the intelligence was shaped towards the doctrine. Nothing new to the world, but it just further affirmed that our world leaders lied (again). The anniversary of the end of World War II should not go unnoticed, because in Nuremburg such war criminals were sentenced to death, and not just those few "bad apples". They were given punishment, but the harshest penalties were given to the people higher up.

 

But not only does Bush and co escape any sort of accountability, even their own foot soldiers can't be held responsible for any of their doings. You can even plead guilty and you won't be guilty. What the hell is going on in this world? This is unimaginable.

 

All of this is deplorable. You do not have to do a detailed critique of all that is wrong and hypocritical about US policies throughout their twentieth century desires of world domination: you just need that little bit of information that sets free murderers who accept that they are murderers and detain and torture those who they "suspect" are in compliance with murderers, even murder them, just because they could be a link to a terrorist group. That's right, you have a proven killer, a confessed proven killer, and they fine and dandy in the eyes of the law. Then you have a "suspected" accomplice (not even actual person who committed such heinous acts) who is not to have any human rights, any civil liberties, any chance of a case, and then you can smear them and beat them to the ground.

 

But nothing should surprise you these days. The US: good. Their enemies: bad.

 

And now here in Australia, suddenly Iraq is front-page news again. Something finally was declared more pertinent than the plight of Schapelle Corby. Fast on the heels of our first Iraqi casualty, we now have the confronting images of Douglas Wood, who has been the latest hostage being made public to the Western world.

 

The outlook is not so good for Wood. Australia will not meet the demands to withdraw the troops, about to reach some 1,400, and there are apparently negotiations to be held to help free one of our own. (I wonder if Wood was Arab that such a practise would take place.)

 

Now the Australia government seems to have shot itself in the foot. Karma isn't a thing to be toyed with. And Wood is certainly going to pay the ultimate price for Australia's buddy-buddy relationship with the number one nation in the world. The question is: is it really worth it? How much is it going to take before we are willing to face up and see that our role in Iraq does not help at all? Sure, we have 1,400 soldiers, but the US has one hundred times that amount, and you can see the effects for yourself. They've even lost more troops than we have deployed in Iraq. And our government has the audacity to defame the Spanish and the Filipino regimes for wanting their people to have a chance at life. We can't have that: we must show that we are willing to sacrifice bodies for the ideals of the US.

 

The Howard government does not want to seem like "softies". "We can't have a foreign policy of this country dictated by terrorists." Newsflash Mr Howard, why are we in Iraq again? Oh yes, because you said they had links with terrorists. Iraq is "foreign": therefore it's foreign policy.

 

Mr Alexander Downer, Australian Foreign Minister stated on radio, "If you give in to demands...more people eventually...will be taken hostage and further demands made, so it's important we be strong and that, for the government's part, it just continues in working at trying to get Douglas out." So what do we do? We send in more troops. What does that mean? More Australians to be a potential hostage with the inclusion that we still are incensing the actual criminals who are doing the deplorable acts of ransom and hijacking: excellent foreign policy here. But remember, guilt doesn't mean guilt: so this shouldn't make sense either.

 

I viewed a documentary two weeks ago that followed a squadron in Iraq last November. Although there were many images that still afflict myself to this today (Especially the scene where a US soldier shoots a dog because he believed the dog was about to attack him. Think about it: a soldier equipped with the finest artillery known to man against a house pet. Dogs are "insurgents".), one has been a mainstay. Not an image per se, but a quote from one soldier.

 

After an insurgent attack on a mosque, one soldier is baffled as to what type of person would attack a place of worship. The retort from his squad mate: "Muslims". Those Muslims are a bad bunch.

 

The US bombers must be of a Muslim nature. Here they bombed a Fallujah mosque last April. Back in Afghanistan those praying were "prey".  Hey soldier, Latin America is behind you on your consternation of mosque killings. Considering it was November and you were deployed somewhere besides Fallujah, you missed out on all those Muslim US soldiers blowing mosques to smithereens in the flushing out of that "insurgent haven".

 

Brigadier General Mark Kimmitt must have converted to Islam.

 

As a matter of fact, the second major military target on the Fallujah "flushings" was the Fallujah hospital. Not only was the hospital filled with the dying victims, the majority of them children, at the hands of the US attacks on the city, the hospital was a "target" as it was publishing the damning statistics of the ones that fall under the bombs and raids of the American Uncle Sam army. See the results for yourself as the world ends up forgetting about the city that the US bombed into oblivion. But it's only Muslims who are capable of this type of atrocity and destruction.

 

It just goes deeper and deeper. The further you delve into the issue, the more and more hypocrisy you will encounter. And that fuels the insurgency, that gives birth to the fundamentalism of Islamic extremism, and that is why Mission Accomplished is not quite so.

 

The insurgents are seeing targets just like the US army is. "It (a mosque) has a special status under the Geneva Convention that it can't be attacked," Kimmitt said, "however, it can be attacked when there is a military necessity." Further justifications to further rape international law. The insurgents do not function under such prohibitions. But they see targets too; they see "necessity", therefore they can "attack it".

 

After all, they want Iraqis to just be like the US, why not start with their own policies? If the US can hit mosques, why can't Iraqis do that for their own purposes?

 

This is not meant to diminish the debilitating actions of the insurgents and those who are reacting with violence against the US occupation, but meant to vilify the actions of the actual occupation by relating both actions together. After all, they do not seem a lot different from each other when you take a look from the point of view of a civilian. Both sides have political and ideological purposes, and both are using force, albeit one is the powerful supermilitary and the other is a rag-tag guerrilla gang. Both sides are taking innocent lives. But yet only one side is the criminal here.

 

Yet again, it doesn't add up.

 

And that is why you have to reach out and ask yourself why there is an insurgency and why are they attacking you and why are these people reacting with violence against an occupation that's meant to liberate them? Remember, it is for the Iraqi's sake here, not for our sake. We're there to help them. They are to have democracy. They just have a shambles: something that doesn't even resemble an Iraq under a bloodthirsty tyrant being held under cruel sanctions for a decade. Nothing is even being rebuilt. There's no progress in Iraq. People are afraid to leave their homes. That sounds more like a totalitarian regime rather than a democracy. Welcome in your new tyrant, Big Bush.

 

All of this is not helping. I don't recall Iraq mounting up a sign that says "free to occupy", which makes a lot more sense as to why they are hostile to a foreign presence on their property. There was no welcoming party. And with the depletion of US recruitment it is looking more like Mission: Impossible rather than Mission Accomplished.

 

But then again, this is yet another bi-product of the Bush doublespeak. Guilty doesn't mean guilty. So "accomplished" doesn't mean accomplished. That's the only way to make sense of this.

9:24pm: All the way to the West Bank

Commenting on the conflict between Israel and Palestine, it's easy to be engulfed with cynicism while we're bearing witness to the newest "peace" accords, which many have said has borne fruit to the recent "calm" in the region of the most debated and quite possibly, the most pertinent and contemporary issue in modern history. As it so happens, the struggles and the disputes in arguably the most sought after piece of land actually precedes my own existence by three decades. And anyone who has monitored the complex history of said conundrum, you can be forgiven if you succumb to cynicism like I have.

 

As it so happens, in actuality nothing has changed: Israel, with the aberrant Ariel Sharon, continues with the ploughing of Palestine, the construction of the separation wall, and keeping the Palestinian people under the watchful eye of the gun; and Palestine, with the conservative Mahmoud Abbas conceding to most of Israel's demands, sees more and more of their own people being displaced, dispossessed, continual deprivation of civilities and human rights, denial for the right of return, and any attempts for peaceful resistance are conflated with the demonised efforts of extremists as anti-Semitism.

 

Possibly the only "calm" is within the ranks of the media coverage regarding the conflict.

 

Everyone is praising Sharon for his Gaza disengagement plan. On the ground, there's very little "disengaging" happening; and while the attention is focused on Israel's "concessions" and "generosity" (they've fully accepted that the land they occupy now is their's alone and not part of greater Palestine anymore), the wall is being erected and more Palestinian lands are annexed.

 

And on April 27th, tens of thousands of Israelis protested the planned evacuation of the Gaza Strip and the West Bank; one of the "concessions" that Sharon is being under fire among Israelites and his Likudites. The opponents of the pullout state that Israel should not comply, and that Palestine has not shown any extension for the existence of "peace" in the area.

 

With the mass rallies held to show the people's unity against their relocation and disbandment of the places they called home for so long, it is that very notion of their objection to an "evacuation" is what strikes me as irksome, and it should to everyone else who takes into account the perceptions and rights of the Palestinian people. This is a colossal double standard that anyone who has an iota of interest in the livelihood of Palestinians and Israelis alike striving for a greater peace, or any person who even supports the Israeli state with behemoth: when Israelis are "displaced" from their homeland, they require the legitimisation of protest and to recognise their opposition to the losses of their "holy" property. Funnily enough, the Palestinians aren't given that right. In fact, they're meant to comply with no resistance whatsoever. Any kind of struggle is met with force. I find it very difficult to believe that if the Palestinian Authority gave orders to "disperse" the recent rally with their brutish soldiers, that they would receive the same media treatment that the Israelis are lauded with when they approach children who take offence against their mistreatment.

 

Sounds a bit like sour grapes huh? The Israelis can cry over their lost land; the Palestinians cannot even fight for their right to hold on to their sacred land. It isn't just "holy" to those Jews; any prospects for a "higher" purpose to these lands can be "countered" with the same from the Arabs. But it's the Arabs who are demonised, even though the Jews are equipped with the machinery and the weaponry that the resistance accounts for is "sticks" and "stones". And we're meant to believe that it's the Palestinians who are the "aggressor", when their occupiers have the fourth largest military in the world today.

 

But you cannot speak for the Palestinians at all. To be a voice for their cause is to be a critic of Israel's policies, which many convolute to mean a critic of Zionism, and then that leads to the slur and slander of anti-Semitism. Israel is trying to succeed of their continued occupation of Palestine simply by showing that these Arabs are inferior, subhuman, simply not worth civil liberties. For if that is achieved, if it is accepted that Palestinians have no right at all as a human, then they can proceed with their destruction of their homes, rights, and lives. To speak out against Israel's actions is to be an anti-Semite: because you cannot speak for a Palestinian as they are of no "worth", so it must be because you are a Hitlerite.

 

How else is it possible that Israel occupies 78% of greater Palestine, that Israel wants more than 8% of the West Bank, and wants to further "cage" in Palestine in Jerusalem, take away the water resources, and to deny Palestinians their desired capital of East Jerusalem, and to bulldoze people's homes for the separation wall deemed illegal, and that the occupation as a whole is deemed illegal by a number of bodies and stop to plans of a viable Palestinian state? As a matter of fact, Rachel Corrie's passing two years ago does not get the presence that other fallen activists get, especially with respect to the late Marla Ruzicka; and even Marla didn't escape the "smearing" of the right.

 

It is glaringly clear with the lopsided attention given to Israel's victims as opposed to Palestinian dead and sufferers. Here, Australians were appalled at the "disrespect" that was shown at the fields of Gallipoli, desecrating the departed in the "war to end all wars"; but in the West Bank, we have a living wasteland. You'd think that a dead soldier has more of a right in this world than a Palestinian civilian.

 

There were some rambunctious outcries to local lands being ploughed for private usage here in western Sydney. Wake up! This happens every day to Palestinians.

 

Even with George Bush's declaration that Sharon must put an end to his settlement annexation, nothing seems to have changed on the ground: there is no "calm". Bush and Sharon may talk the talk, but George continues to fund Ariel, regardless of the fact that Sharon said he will not stop land expansion and that it proves vital to the existence of a "greater Israel".

 

The continued complacency of the Palestinian's plight is surely not acceptable in a post-Apartheid era. As the "calm" is marketed before everyone's eyes, Bush and Sharon are laughing all the way to the West Bank.

5:44pm: Bye Bye Brownie

The passing week has been quite turbulent amongst the drug-smuggling front of Australian-Indonesian relations, what with the verdict of Schapelle Corby and the recent arrests of a number of Australians caught in the act. In the case of Schapelle, which has been widely publicised and covered by the mainstream media, all hopes are extinguished as she now has exhausted her last defences to reach an acquittal. You would have had a very safe bet that the media was right there on every reading and testimony relating her trial. So much attention has been dedicated to Corby's plight that I have been urged to sign a petition to urge the Indonesian government to show mercy.

 

With such scrutiny rallying the nation of Australia to sympathise to one of "our own", you can be led to believe that this country certainly identifies itself as a patriotic, "back the underdog" gusto-pride, especially when we can make our own judgment of one's innocence. Facts can take a backseat. Just reading about one of the young males accosted in the newest case where he testifies that "whatever happened to Schapelle happened to me" even though he was caught with heroin strapped onto his own body by the authorities at the airport. Schapelle had her bag contaminated on her alleged "frame-up"; surely Australians aren't going to be sold such a bogus statement, even if he is one of "our own".

 

Even on this ANZAC Day where we parade veterans of imperialism, you can bank Australians sticking with their own kin, just as long as they're white.

 

It has been hard to digest all of the media coverage, stories, opinions and yes, even petitions, to intervene for "our poor" Schapelle (Russell Crowe, you saviour of the oppressed), and soon enough, those notorious nine who were operating for some unnamed druglord(s). Far be it for me to make a stake for Schapelle Corby; I do not question the conditions she is being subjected to, the "fear" she faces on her tomorrows, and the senseless incumbent penalisation by facing a death squad. The barbarous nature of capital punishment along with accusation of Schapelle's mere narcotics charge is definitely an issue I can identify with. Indonesia would do best to move out of Suharto's bloodied shadow and abolish the death penalty.

 

But would such concentration of media be appropriated to Schapelle if she wasn't white and was an Arab?

 

The more I'm confronted with the wave of "Save Our Corby", the more ties and links I attribute to Australia, and in general the rest of Westernised culture, to white supremacy. "Schapelle's white, she must be innocent." It doesn't matter that there have been no evidence to help her defence, not even the flimsy hearsay type from two prisoners (they make very solid arguments, those ex-cons) flown in specifically by our government, and that Schapelle was caught with the marijuana in her own bag. All signs point to innocent here.

 

Not that I wish any harm on "poor" Schapelle. But the united-in-arms of this country only uphold the systematic white doctrines of the land down under. The dreaded underbelly of a nation that believes that they uphold equality among the races cannot be ignored. Save the "poor white girl".

 

I can't imagine how Mamdouh Habib feels after being exposed to such a "whitewash" on behalf of one Australian citizen. Mamdouh is that fellow who was detained, tortured, vilified and released without charge, and without a trial mind you, after being arrested in Pakistan. I was in attendance of the rally he spoke in, where he was given a resounding applause for a number of minutes. But the only ones who really spoke out for Habib were those pesky lefties; and you know who were in attendance at an anti-war rally.

 

Mamdouh recounted the conditions he suffered while being held in Guantanamo Bay. Guantanamo has been synonymous with Abu Ghraib; and I shall certainly hope everyone is aware of the practice that goes behind close doors in both jails. I don't recall Schapelle being tortured; she's just in prison. She even had a trial, and was charged. Mamdouh didn't have such liberties.

 

I didn't receive petitions for the release of Mamdouh. The only petitions emanated were from the leftist media, and a similar one is being held for another Australian detainee David Hicks, led by Hicks' family.

 

On Mamdouh's release and return to Australia, he wasn't received warmly. Australian Federal Police Commissioner Mick Keelty continued with such allegations that Habib was a planning to be a "mercenary", but maintained that the authorities could not charge him for this. Even the public remained skeptical of Australia's own tortured man. The police have nothing on him; the US has nothing on him; he still must be guilty. After all, he was in Pakistan, and he is of Arab descent: Habib remains "a person of interest". As a matter of fact, Habib's two German counterparts were released within two weeks, and yet they held on to Mamdouh. If only Mamdouh had blonde hair and blue eyes.

 

Much has been lauded on Schapelle and her "courageous" story. Nothing of the sort has been dedicated to Mamdouh or David Hicks. Not a peep is heard from them except those pesky lefties, yet again. The Australian government didn't intervene on Habib's behalf, and it will be caught dead before it affirms they're own misguidance and shortcomings on Mamdouh's case, because his guilt is not negotiable, it's just not proven yet. Howard didn't try to help one of our "own"; just left him to rot like the "terrorist" filth that he was under the overbearing US watchdog.

 

Doesn't it make you sick that Howard can send his Foreign Affairs minister to help "poor" Corby but yet be silent on Mamdouh's plight? The stakes were just as high, if not higher in Habib's case. Corby will not face the death squad, but a life sentence. Habib has a life sentence thanks to his heritage and the post-9/11 hysteria that engulfs normal human living these days.

 

Such actions by our government only symbolises that people like Mamdouh and the rest of his kind are subhuman, and do not deserve the privilege of civil liberties that people like Schapelle hold for granted. The media then simply reflects the attitudes that are deep-seeded within; after all, most of those reporters are of the "privileged" kind. Let us continue to label those "terrorists" the brown people, the Arabs, the Muslims; let us smear those rapists as "Lebanese"; let us further indoctrinate ourselves with the notion that only people that are white can be the only truly innocent ones. After all, you never read about white people committing crimes. When they're not white, the reporters have to state their appearance: for "security" purposes, naturally. If not, use a whiteout. It would be a bold, new type of journalism if every time a white person broke the law that they stated they were Anglo.

 

It pains myself to point such facts out, but they must be confronted. If you care for Schapelle because she's Australian and the notion that she "could" be innocent, and that she is under horrendous conditions, and crying because she doesn't deserve what she is experiencing, and that she didn't do a thing wrong, then why not care for other people such as Mamdouh, such as David Hicks, they're Australian too, and believe me, they went through hell, and in David's case, still going through it.

 

But I'm not limiting the care factor to just Australians. I never embraced such nationalism; I hold no hierarchal axiom. I want all to see the justice they deserve, whether it is Corby, Habib, Hicks, or the thousands who were rounded up by the US sweeping of Arab men thanks to the 9/11 paranoia.

 

Don't whiteout the rest of the oppressed.

4:58pm: On to Parliament Square.
Today, on March 20th 2005, heralded the second anniversary for the US-backed invasion of the Middle Eastern nation of Iraq; and for many, this day is one that will 'live in infamy'. As per to my inferior "account status", I simply cannot add the great images of thousands of people marching in protest to our involvement and to the increasing heated situation over in the former soveriegn nation of Iraq, with our elected Prime Minister deploying a further 450 troops to help out our brothers-in-war, the USA. Although he is notorious for embellishing his own "truths", most still cannot deny the heeded words that Howard 'would not send more troops' into Iraq, no matter what insistance came from Big Brother. We can all speculate on what happens behind closed doors, and conversations and policies taken between Howard and Bush, but that would just be merely fleeting, as more pertinent matters are at hand to talk about: namely, what does Australia have to gain by shipping off more soldiers to be cannon-fodder in arguably one of the most hostile environments in the world today(Colombia, Haiti, Palestine and Turkey all make great claims too)? A further half a thousand troops sent will not settle the Iraqi people, especially that is now well known that it is the very occupation, the presence of foreign troops that are the reason for such 'insurgence'.

I shall skip that 'bottom line' as to most Australians, and to those who I were in the presence of today, it is common knowledge as to why there is more commitment, a lack of a withdrawal plan, and just more baseless lies after lies. It was great to see so many younger faces as well as blended with the elderly, the sick, of all colours, and even the handicapped, coming to show their unity to help put pressure on our own government as well as to be in unison with those protesting in many other countries today, to give the Anti-War voice the recognition it deserves, that even after two years we still have not stayed silent, or given in to apathy and defeat that we are in there for the greater good, and that the removal of Saddam was the exoneration of the illegal war; and that we still believe that we can make our politicians wilt to our demands, that we are the ones who have the power, and they must be shown that we are strong, with our slogans, our walks, our speeches and our protests.

We took to the streets after a couple of speakers spoke about the debacle of the Australian involvement and the US interventionism. Many fliers showed the sentiment, shirts upon shirts showed the hatred and compassion, even the Iraqi flag was thrown high and into the background to be the reminder that the Iraqis are the ones who really are suffering. All were applauded, and quite touching was Habib, the one who was returned to Australia after being detained by US authorities for years, suspected of 'terrorism', no charges laid and was tortured and humiliated. The only flaw was Habib and Clark's narrowed orders that another Australian be sent home, also being held in the same prison for no charges. Let's not be complacent, and see nationalist lines here, and be the leading dissident voice for not only Australians, but every other innocent who is being held without charge because of the Neo-McCarthyism and of the fascist police state taken into this hysteria of an Orwellian world.

Traffic was stopped. Many onlookers were aghast as to what they were witnessing, something that is quite out of the ordinary here, people taking matters into their own hands; making those normal commuters shopping and eating their McDonalds be confronted with another truth, that not only people care about what is going on across the world, but they are willing to stand up and fight the powers-that-be, that we believe we will make a difference, and what we say and what we think really matter.

But the movement does not end here: we have plenty to do, alot of things to say, and many people to reach out to. Here we have a great task at hand, but it is these movements which make all the difference, we who are the conscious of the world, those who care for the oppressed and ones who cannot speak out. This is only one step. There are many who will think that what we did today does not make one bit of difference, that we should just acquiesce in apathy, and not care about what goes on in this world, and that we should let others speak for us and do what's best for you and I, the ones who pay their salaries; and that this task is too colossal, too big for the common man and woman and child, that governments are the ones who have control of you and I. But they are wrong. Throughout history it is the people who have strived for change and made history, by the civil rights movement, feminism, animal liberation, eco-friendly, gay activism, corporate liabilities and goverment accountability.

We made history today. You can too.

5:19pm: The placation of a nation
Dear log,

So in the midst of today, I answered a knock on the door, on a dreary afternoon. I open it, and awaiting there on the doorstep are two young girls. The elder-looking one proceeds to give me a pamphlet on religion, specifically Jesus Christ; and along with this, a question or rhetoric, followed and was asked towards me, "If you died today, do you believe you would go to Heaven?" Of course my answer was "I have no clue." This only elevated the sale more bitterly, as the elder-looking girl continued with more Bible loitering on my properties, and obviously clueing in that this household, and namely this 'customer', is definitely not a cause to be given redemption. As I remarked with, "I'm positive I'm not going to die tonight," answered with "Well, I've spoken to numerous people that said the same thing and they crossed the road and died," and then I answered, "That's bullshit." Needless to say I didn't get much of a response after that, and with my insistence that the elder-looking girl provide proof of her alleged statement that she has spoken with the recently perished upon their doorsteps, they rushed off. Conclusively, I probably wasn't very polite; but the very fact that lies was constituted in order for convertions to be effective certainly did not sit well with this dissident. And that is how effectively, the rest of the world is being placated about what the atrocities and the unfounded rhetoric that is embalming the people, who are deprived of real news that ask the real questions that need to be answered. Merely just state, "that's bullshit."

Recently, Israel and Palenstine came to an agreement of a ceasefire. While many are praising what is perceived as an Israeli outreach to end Palestinian 'terrorist acts' against the Israelis, it is just more confounded lies, rhetoric, blanket marketing and self congratulatory by both Israel and its major source of military funds, the US. The perfect diplomatic act, and the ruse set, and in views of the world, that Israel is the victim of such Palestinian aggression, and Palestines the only people capable of independent acts of aggression, as Israel fights to save their people. But meanwhile, still on the ground, the wall which was condemned illegal by the International Criminal Court, continues to be built on the West Bank, bulldozing thousands of Palestinian land, destroying farms of whom are owned by Palestines, and refusing to allow any non-Jewish(meaning Arabs) citizens into the security of the said wall. It is very lucid to all, that Israel is continuing its occupation of Palestine, and even reports of shootings by Israeli militants on Palenstines who 'throw stones' in retaliation of their land being taken from them, being refused entry into their homes, being turned away to go to work where schools and hospitals reside within the Israeli wall, and their homes being bulldozed into oblivion to make way for more Jewish settlements. A great concession that Israel will end 'further settlement'; but so you know, "that's bullshit."

And now it is marked clearly that this wall is far from being built for the security reasons; and even so, the Palestines, who were just making reactionary tactics to their own land being occupied and taken from them, and lately, a ratio of 8 to 1 Palestines have been killed in the three months since Arafat's death, a statistic which is very much omitted from the news today; Israel will claim all of Jerusalem, Palestine will not get any portion of Jerusalem. Israel simply does not want Palestine to exist, and with the wall, they are continuing to push these people out of the very place they habitated for a centuries. Notely, Palestinian terrorism did not exist until the Israeli's occupation, and that Israel's acts of aggression have been simply remarked as 'self-defense' to counter terrorism marked on themselves. While the rest of the world decries Palestinian acts, and robs them of their right to defend their land, their homes and their lives against Israeli dominance, occupation and state-terrorism, they can condone the destruction of rightful property of Palestinians, condone the Israeli occupation and aggression, and condone the ethnicide of the Palestinian people. To me, that's bullshit.

1:50pm: Dawn of a new life.
Dear log,

I am now proud to say and write that I am an uncle for the very first time. Brother Adrian and wife Pam, gave birth to a baby girl, named Danica Alicia Rose, healthy on the pass of early morning of January 29th, 2005, and now and the rest of my kin are uncle, aunt, and grandparents. Joyous occasion; unfortunately for us geographically challenged, we were unable to witness the experience, and sadly, my niece will not even think of us extended family as we are so detached, and so far away, and it'll just resemble my own relationships with cousins and uncles and aunts and grandparents, namely no relationship at all. Not that I know how to be an uncle, if there is a certain role to play there, even though I am twenty five, but I would love to be a big part in Danica's life. I just have a feeling that I could be a fun old uncle. Yup, old uncle. That's me, giving presents to her which she would have absolutely no use for, and me quite out of touch with the trends and reality of her life, that she will furrow her brow, and be amazed at how out of touch I am with her that she justs shakes her head in disapproval and say, "I will never wear this." Ah, family life to be had.

Welcome in the new Iraq elections. History being made infront of our eyes, the first time in the country's history that a democratic vote is to be had; but the facade does not fool me, nor should it fool the rest of us who are watching this closely and know what's really behind subterfuge. Although not to diminish the fleeting and ephemeral delight that Iraqis will bask in, while they attempt to "choose" who they want to run their country; but they must know that all is not well, especially with so much division and turmoil within. As bright-eyed optimistic Iraqis vote even here in Australia, they are subjected to protests. With over 200, 000 available to actually register to vote, only a number of a mere 50, 000 actually registered so they can take part in 'history' in the making. This really is indicative that Iraqis are not being fooled by this US occupation, and that the transfer from interim to a real democratic government is not making people think different, as US military bases continue to increase, and with Iraq's debt being negotiated and their oil supply now up for sale and privatisation, American corporations licking their chops at the world's second largest oil resource, and the continuation of sanctions and limitations on the selected government that Iraqis will vote on is just 'show' for the Bush Administration.

More people's lives are being taken. This is certainly turning into something ugly; people just let the count slide over their eyes and get back to watching television, sit on their safe couches, forget that innocent women and children are paying the ultimate price for a so-called 'liberation', the very people who were being oppressed by the dictator in who this Administration wanted to remove for unheard of reasons and cover-up. And in the meanwhile, the soldiers who return home, exchanging their lost limbs for 'patriotism', find that they cannot work and have no healthcare and no more benefits, and be forgotten for being the 'brave', the poor who fought the rich man's fight, go and lie on the gutter as they wear that flag so proud.

6:08pm: Cross out the 3rd.
Dear log,

So today is my birthday. Twenty five years and now counting on, but where to now? As usual, trying to list all the great accomplishments you have achieved over the last year past is one task that I particularly not like doing, but you can't help but do it. Even as uneventful as today has been, it serves as the perfect way to spend my day of birth because this is precisely the way most of the year has ended up in the first place. It was inevitable; a quarter of a century old now. There was nothing I could do to prevent that. But still no catharsis. I was in Canada last year; and just on the year past, I spent all my money and went into debt in order to erase another debt. Isn't that irony? Borrowing money to pay off a debt. At least I get this sense of unparallel respect when I mention that I have paid all of my University fees. Of course, I leave out the part where I only attended three semesters; but who's really asking how long I went to school for? No really matter to be had. That part of life is over and now that part of credit is over. I still can't believe I have no money again. I wonder still if it was the best thing to do since I want to be in Canada this year. I won't have a dime when I get there. I don't like being this burden, especially to Nicole. I give her enough problems and complications.

I looked in here today and everybody's gone. By everybody I mean the few who are on the friends list. But I suppose I was absent too.

Count them up. Linda has sent a text message; Nicole has called numerous times and hasn't shutup about the fact that I'm getting old; the rest will now be condemned to my hate list. Years of friendship and these assholes have not spared any time or thought to wish myself a Happy Birthday. Selfish of me, isn't it? Even though I particularly detest those things, the person who I have known the least has remembered that today is my birthday. My so-called friends. I am now declaring that I am impossible to purchase a gift for. My parents bought me pieces of clothing for Christmas and for today, and I hate to say this but I will never wear these things. Thanks for the thought but you really should not have bothered because I hate what you bought and I never asked for them and they are completely not what I wanted. I'm sure they'll find a nice home somewhere when I donate them to charity. I know for a fact that my parents have no clue what I like and, personally, I know that they really have no clue as to what I am really like and what my identity is. I've always subscribed to the theory that the presents are a great indicator to the magnitude of how well you know the person you're buying them for. Clearly they are off the mark here. No more materialism please; I really didn't want anything today. Except maybe an escape from here.

This is dangerous. I'm starting to hate everything; moreso. It is inevitable. I'm old. I can't believe those fucks. There is some redemption left for the day; but my skepticism and pessimism remains high. My so-called friends.

7:31pm: I sometimes wake up like they do.
Dear log,

Today I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and I am generally glad, no, ecstatic, that the DVD for Lost In Translation was somewhat amiss, so I had to settle for this Jim Carrey movie. And I am taken aback at how great it really is; no more emphatic words to attempt to describe it, this film is just a great piece of artwork with the cunningness of the greatest screenwriter alive to date in my humble and most movie reknowned opinion. Charlie Kaufman just amazes me. He is the pinnacle of what I really strive for; and in saying so, what every other writer should vouch for as his work pushes every boundary and has the complete depth of ability and sentience in a script that I feel so compelled towards it that I am so outraged, and yet so inspired, and that ambivalence just grows and dissapates, as I sit back and watch his written masterpiece, in the fore, in my eyes, and want to continue disgesting his work, never wanting this film to end. Even as I type this, I want to watch this movie for the second time today. And with all the bile and contamination of lacklustre flicks that saturate the market today, works like this give me faith that there is always something good to look forward to and that there are people who do make movies for just that. Kaufman is a genius in my books. How this man achieves his greatness is beyond my comprehension as a twenty four year old male, living in his parents' home, with a job that I gained through a temp agency and having absolutely no prospects on my horizon. Maybe that's why I relate to his films so much; that twenties malaise that most of the population endures has made me another of its casaulties, and I can see myself waking up to one of these films, being the main character; that somewhat loser/anti-hero of the piece, dwelling and being automatic in the routine, that's just regular day-to-day, let me get older. Is this what's in store for me? I sometimes wake up like they do.

The lawnmower is really loud.

I don't recall the exact date but I only really have days to go until I reach the halfway point of my twenties chapter; which translates to the less appealing factor that I now have five years left in my twenties to alleviate the malaise and lamentation and jaundiced lifestyle. How the hell did it get to be December already? Wasn't I just in Canada? I mean, I remember everything very clearly; all so vivid, but yet how is it that far away suddenly? It does feel like a dream sequence now and this is the real life; sitting here, listening to the mower, just awaiting the clock to tick that certain hour because I have to get the minimum amount of rest as the next day warrants my being to be at work bright and early tomorrow for yet another fun-filled affair with all the livestock. It will be nice having family around for Christmas unlike last year though. Not that Christmas here really is anything to miss. I'm very sad that I won't ever get to see my incoming niece often; I really want to be a good uncle; difficult when the Pacific lies inbetween yourselves. That ocean is really becoming a huge nuisance for me. I don't feel up to it lately. It's getting to that point where even meeting people is increasingly difficult; and complicating matters, it's me that makes it moreso, not through any disdain on the other party; it's me who's definitely the guilty party here shunning everyone. I have been starved on human contact for so long, I think I forget what it really feels like to be close to someone; not that I knew it that well in the first place. Having this relationship with Nicole is not easy on me. I really don't want to be alone tonight.

8:20pm: No soup for me.
Dear log,

Yesterday warranted some alertness and it triggered the urge to write it down here(even though I was already halfway through making this entry when the computer decided to destroy that version prematurely. Why do I get the feeling that that happens to me solely? I feel so victimised, especially since I never post anymore and the few, the rare, the seldom time I take the opportunity to do so, it is murdered by this abomination.) and really decipher what it was all about and tinker with it all. (I hate this. I had the perfect train of thought all up here on screen and now I cannot get the momentum back. This is me trying to salvage a lost cause.) So the common theme at work has been the impending Christmas party, and I am one to know considering I roam around, receiving every little tidbit that may encounter the vicinity of my bionic hearing(which I get comments on rather alarmingly) as I clean up the mess made by the squalor that is known as Procter & Gamble employees. Fuck, these are some messy, lazy people. And at the lunch break, sitting adjacent some fellow workers, the conversation steers towards the company function to celebrate December 25th. I get asked about it. Naturally, since I had no clue what the hell they were talking about, the response got a nice laugh and snigger; as I still have not been given that formal invitation to this presitigous night of nights here at the lovely corporation. "I'm just a lowly mailroom clerk." Cute, isn't it? Nothing like feeling that you belong in this place; even though I really do not belong in the first place with my sitting alone at my lunch and basically just ignoring the people who brisk by. I'm not liking work at all.

And then they continued with the theme; only this time talking about who they were taking. Four people were sitting next to me, and all four had significant others; not to mention the countless brood who do have partners that can chauffer them to the ball. Not only did this get me thinking about my own situation; if invited, I won't have anyone to bring unless they can pay a hefty ticket to cartel Nicole all the way from Canada, and I just show up all lonesome; and by word-of-mouth, I will be the only one that is minus one. And secondly, how do these people meet so many boyfriend and girlfriend and wife types? Are they not living in the same world I am living in, completely disenfranchised with how the romantic links go by? Here I am, having to travel the ends of the Earth just to meet someone; everyone here is hooking up without any real difficulty, easily making that connection. I really cannot comprehend that thought. So there they are all dancing with partners, and I pine for someone who is not functioning on the same timezone; they cascade down those stairs, I ponder what it will be like for our future when I sleep separately.

Or I could just be an old crackpot? All signs point to yes.

7:40pm: Walking the walk.
Dear log,

I am making an entry and in doing so, I know that I have failed in my mission of cleansing my room and be free of a squalor-filled bedroom as I was meant to do so before the next journal post. Very sad considering that I managed to contain myself from posting for a few days just so I can have extra time(or days) in order to undertake such a task; but yet again, procrastination wins. Since when doesn't that ever win? No excuses; although I find myself feeling alot more lethargic in the coming weeks as I work and continue waking up at six am. "There's a four am in the morning now?" That's what springs to mind. No rest at work either, as being on your feet the entire six hours really takes its toll on your stamina and strength, considering lifting all those stupid packages and boxes up those stairs. No elevators. God how I wish there was an elevator.

Amazing. Speaking on the subject with Grant only two weeks ago, and now this happens. So, disgruntled commuters of the public transport, namely the trains, got fed up and took it to the government. Grant said people don't exercise their democratic rights anymore, how no one gets organised enough, taking it to the big CEO's and Premier's and making them wilt on their knees and concede to the populace and into what they want. Touche. Inspiration comes along. Nothing is hopeless. The government is still under our control; we, the people. Without us, there would be no government. How taxing(pun intended) this must feel to the leader of the state. Although I do not take the trains, I am in full support of the actions. These scenes are not just for the thirties; the apathetic generation can be awoken. We don't have to take this. Raised your fist. Take action. Be heard. There are thousands just like you wanting change. Together, as one, the powers that be can be broken. Today's empires are tomorrow's ashes.

I feel quite removed from people lately. Things are escalately with Nicole and it is making the both of us feel quite uneasy with everything. I'm not too pleased with this revelation, and certainly this new job is not quelling this matter; it really only seems to be exacerbating it. I guess sitting by myself at my lunchbreak can seem rude; I really just don't want to interact with anyone in particular, especially since I have no interest in knowing anyone. Now I'm stuck with pointless chit-chatter, pretending and feigning interest in anyone who walks by and because they know my name and see my face day-in day-out, it entitles them to ask me how I am doing. Like it matters anyway. Like they ever care. And how I reciprocate with asking them the same question back. I certainly don't care. I want to continue walking past. I'm positive I will see you again during the day, and I won't care how you are doing then either. Maybe I am rude.

Christmas advertisements. End of it all.

8:20pm: The dust settles.
Dear log,

Wasn't there meant to be a massive uprising against President Bush? All our protests, Michael Moore films, Howard Zinn books, the media reports, the generation incensed by the occupation of Iraq, those marchers in New York City, could they have all been not enough? I sit here, I read, I speak, I commute, I idealise, and yet the Bush regime still remains intact. That could only conclude that the majority of Americans have decided to ban gay marriages, and have just exonerated Bush's Iraq policy, overlooked the tyranny and the lives lost in the "war", agreed on the justice of the Patriot Act, with McCarthyism not far behind; who really is now Eurasia? Who will you be at war with next time, Big Brother? This is a George Orwellian world; the irony being, Orwell wrote about the threat of Communism. Mr Bush proclaims freedom and in all his acts, it is a 'liberation'; excluding the fact that Bin Laden attacked the US and not any other free country because apparently he is an opposer of freedom, and with a government that is now resembling the aggression of British and French armadas of centuries past; conquering all before them. These people, in the heartland of America, all agreed on this when election night was said and done. Backward, inbred, cowboy, Christian, gun-loving, gun-toting, yeehawing; all bearing an incredible likeness to who sits at their kingdom. Such the amazing power of this religious, Christian vote, that they now have given their madman another term, for more oil-rigging, money laundering, oppression, anti-feminism, corruption, and the segregation of a nation; now truly divided and now in the throes of another setback. Amazing, these people cannot even speak English properly, and yet they could read well enough to vote for the Republicans; they're the ones who have decided, all the while thousands and upon thousands of minorites(mainly black) have had their vote suppressed thanks to the great law of ex-felons being unable to vote. When you get caught, you are no longer part of society, it seems. You will have no say in this; people will make their mind up for you now, because you were busted for that small shoplifted parcel. Corporate CEO's are robbing people of jobs every day, and yet you're the criminal.

Don't you just love democracy?

Two weeks at the new job and I feel like a rich man again. I can't believe how busy I am during the day. Those sons of bitches really do make you work for the money; on the bright side, at least I'm not sitting on my ass for the duration of the week. And the boss telling me that all this exercise is good for me. The idiot. He really has no clue. The people seem nice, not that I really care if they were or not; actually, I will confirm that, I don't care if they are nice or not. Alot of them are fucking messy; clean up your mess. Dependent on the help to pick up after you. Speaking of which, that mountain of clothes on my floor is really a problem. New goal: have the room cleaned by the next time I post in here. I swear, in two days, I am going to slam dunk that basketball again. And it's daylight savings again. I love this time of year. It always reminds of me of younger days, staying out till dusk just playing around being a kid. And now, it's Christmas time yet again.

10:00pm: So this is the continuation of life.
Dear livejournal,

So it does feel like quite a timeframe has surpassed; and now with my returning date from Canada distancing itself as the weather gets warmer and warmer by the second and the friends who I call upon have their birthdays and reach the ages that seem oddly out of character for those now who are meant to be the future of a nation, willing to be thrust into the limelight when times are tough, and voice their opinions and express all their wonderment, to be counted for, I now see myself completely detached from my age bracket; considering I am undeveloping and by far the one in the group who is lacking direction and bounding nowhere but the end of the gutter asking for change to make ends meet to sustain the life of squalor, periodically flicking through the remnants of the youth and where it went, the trip away from home which I relied so much on to show me the path to my enlightenment, and how it all ended up sitting here, typing in it in text, piecing it all together, coming to terms with my own impending birthday and how I will have existed for half a century. Accomplishments are in the rare pile. Taking initiative doesn't seem to be my attribute, even though most twenty-something morons see this barrier and force their way out by surrounding their corners with familiarities and running ever more for that almighty goal which is success; how we all must be a success or else life will not have been worth living, get that car, that fancy girl, house in the clean suburbs when you have your doofus neighbours over for a barbecue and watch the benign football game and talk about how inept the players are and in your prime you were much better equipped and would have taken these punks to the cleaners; and the kids all love you when you let them stay up for that extra hour so they can stare at a television screen. I suppose that's how life goes. It's just automatic now. They plan it for you even before you are born; the only variations are the complications of names and where you will work and who's pedigree you carry. I want to skip this part, but I am here yet again just contemplating what I really want to do, where I want to go, what exactly I have to be in this world, and the cliche keeps coming back to me: the more I ask this, the less I know. Merely eliminating what I don't want to do isn't helping; nothing much helps as of yet. Sons of bitches just won't employ me. I really should start lying at interviews; the advice of 'being yourself' has only led me out of a job, and many potential jobs later I am still here with no income. I just cannot get this mentality out of my head: I don't want that job, so why am I here in this interview with this lacky who's just a statistic to his corporate machine? I also cannot stay out of work for much longer; the time elapses is starting to make me insane, hence this whole paragraph. Give me work, goddammmit.

I am a glowing light today. I changed my first flat tire. That gives me a nice sense of pride. Cars are too confusing. Why can't they just work all the time? For a time that boasts itself as the Age Of Technology, the technology really sucks most of the time with constant maintenance and viruses and need for upgrading and obsolete this and obsolete that. I wonder if mechanics always carry a stick of deoderant at arm's length? That black shit from the spare is quite the pungent entity; there are still traces of it on my fingers. What the fuck is that black shit anyway? Tar or something. How does tar build on a spare tire that was in the trunk for all its time? It amazes me that the air is contained with such dirt and pollution that technology will not work because of it: my CD player. A pile of dust on the laser rendered it useless. Dust is such an enemy, but there really is no prevention; just yet more maintenance. Ergonomics is still so elusive. On the bright side(that's the glowing light part), perchance that I happened to be on the street walking and some attractive, successful woman happened to get a flat tire, I can offer my services just like in the movies and we could make love after I do the idiot, brawny, "the man is my hero" gratitude job and great stories to tell our incumbent children.

Chocolate protein pancakes don't taste that bad.

I really have quite the temerity on me. I have no idea if it was because I went away and lived on my own for a whole year or just because I am finally at my ropes' end and had enough of just being passive and letting things slide by, but I now am questioning everyone on everything. If a jerkface was around, they would say "I need to get laid" as a perfect solution. Everything leads to sex, doesn't it. Luckily no one is my equal in arguing; I might get beaten up badly by an unstable character not in particular to liking about being humiliated by condescending means and that is their way to even the odds. Words always hurt people.

Why do people take such offense to me correcting their poor spelling and grammar? Surely you all went to school to learn the English language just like I did, and the majority did graduate from high school. Fuck, even grade school students learn fucking English. It's time to graduate from grade school to proper English please; you aren't that stupid, honestly. Dyslexia, A.D.D., fuck it all; read a book. It saddens me that people are using "your" for "you're"; I know ten year olds who know the difference between the two. Don't attribute it to laziness; typing two extra characters will not make a difference on your lifetime that you will cherish more before you die.

8:31pm: It just won't start up.
Dear log,

The day today is one piece of shit. One real piece of shit. You'd think maybe you could salvage something out of it and think of the positives but fuck that; as a pessimist and a realist I only want to focus on the atrocities on which I was meant to endure today. Today. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Cars. Their the worst inventions of the world. The only thing more unreliable than these pieces of crap are the girls who say they will call me. Well, that's untrue because they never call. Goddammit. Two flat batteries in one day? Who the fuck does that happen to? And then be left in the car without a method to pay off the new battery. I really need to break something worth of value; namely the car. I want to beat it badly. Rather fortunate that people around here are compassionate enough to pity someone as out of luck as I was today that they were willing participants to my asking for favours.

8:36pm: Fork-tongued.
Dear log,

Perpending over too many things; and yet there isn't much to decide over at all. I really am hating this place and hating being back at home. I feel the paint thinning and chipping. Moving at such a slow pace and yet time is erroding ever faster. I can't even make myself move out of this. I feel stuck now, more than ever. And it's all my own doing.

I kissed Vanessa on Saturday night. Not too sure what to construe of it, even right now, two nights afterwards. She seems pleased. I seem to have the countenance of askance still. I feel numb. That's an oxymoron.

I spoke to Nicole both yesterday and today. Now I really don't know what I'm doing. What am I doing? This is only leading to more ruin.

2:49pm: Here's what I have to show for it.
Dear log,

I got a Canadian phone call yesterday, although very much expected. I know she couldn't resist the temptation of hearing my voice again, and because I never let things go, I obliged in her wishes. We spoke for around half an hour, mostly about nothing, like things never happened the way they did just about a month ago. There's no sense in doing the guilt trip thing when I am already away and at home with the barrier of the Pacific Ocean and most of United States in between the two of us; it will only provide more hurt for both parties. I sorely miss her. Rather inconcievable that not long ago I was in the same city talking with her; now, here I am, so far apart, and yet we can't seem to leave it alone. But we really must move on. It would be the most appropriate and logical thing to do. No-one responds to perfect logic. Not now. Not ever.

Two weeks back now. I have accumulated nothing. The path can only lead to more inward struggles. I am proud of my use of semi-colons though. People ask about me and what I have been doing since I got back. I have no answers to that. I usually have an answer for everything. I do know the answer, but it's rather shameful. Maybe it's nothing that I am really meant for. It's when I'm most comfortable. I can safely say I sleep, I read, I watch television, maybe a little too much television and a little too much sleep, I eat, I wash, and then the only fulfilling thing is I go to the gym. Repeat that for five of the seven days of the week. The two days off I replace it with nothing. I really need something to fill the void.

3:51pm: I grew up for a minute yesterday.
Dear log,

So yesterday I finally wrote back to Nicole after vowing never to let her know I arrived home. I could never hold out long enough. The thoughts were consuming me the last few days; I just had to give in, or else more sleep would be lost. I still debate on whether it was the best thing to do considering the circumstances on which she broke my heart and now certainly the person to be blamed for my disbelief in the opposite sex and my own disbelief in my own self characteristics and piece of mind; but so far so good. I still have no regrets as of yet. But my instincts on women have never been too good. My journal can account for every bit of wrong doing in the last twenty four months, all echoing the same sentiment: how alone I really am and will it really be this way forever.

Being back home, everyone around, I see them seldom, but nevertheless I see them more now than before, excluding my impending departure overseas. I make an effort to see them. Although time alone is always necessary for me, I figure too much of that has been the cause of my askance.

My mind has been a blank on what to write as of late. Is it really possible for a block to happen when you had nothing to contribute in the first place?

12:05pm: Someone to someone
Dear log,

I wrote a song or something last night I don't completely loathe and critique until I ultimately crumple up the paper and dispose of it forever.


Here comes another winter and it yet feels cold right now
and then maybe I can sleep through it all and forever miss tomorrow.
Lay encamped here freezing and missing you and your warm beats,
waking up with those eyes never let it go.
But things could never be that easy for me.
I could come so close to being there with you and hold it together,
Being strong, being strong. And here I am now and I always said, "I could never forget about you."
It never felt so disheartening to be right. I'm down and feel like being down
because you know how loneliness just comes too easily for me.
Maybe one day I will get back up and be someome to someone
because I've just got to be.
Is there really a place for me? Or is this it,
falling down waiting for you to catch me?

3:06pm: Giving up on me.
Dear log,

Last night was basically all I could have hoped for. Being home is definitely an adjustment to familiarising myself again with the surroundings which are different but oddly you have the same affinity with it all before you left and changed; all the while still having the cadence of when you last left it, all the markings of diffidence and askance are well manifested. Seeing faces I haven't seen for well over twelve months, being in their company yet again, having some grins, and some laughs, and doing all the emphasis of talking about missing them all and how I wished they could have been with me on the Canada trip just so someone can know what you went through. Everything seems so far away already. It is certainly like I only left and boarded that plane just yesterday; and yet here I am, writing about my first night with the guys since my year long absence from them all. To the car rides to the city drinking, walking around central Sydney looking for the pub to meet up with David, being greeted with them and other similar faces from the distant and not-so-distant pasts, drinking shots, being loud, walking to the karaoke place, disappointment at our tardiness for last requests, and then sitting around with everyone just being us.

Long talks with Dave have been missed.

How does one really reflet upon all of this? Twenty four years old and I keep reading I am still young. All around me it seems everyone has their life prioritised; I am still at a loss as to where to start, how to follow through and live that life to where it seems I am always missing out on something better. Fun times last night. They never really last though. The friends are forever. Maybe I can somehow find solace in that if I end up debasing myself and ostracising all those well-wishers in their attempts to help me.

I still hold on to things I really need to let go. No one tells you it is easy to do such a thing and move on and that time will heal you. Time never really did anything for me but age.

9:28pm: Homecoming Queen
"The more you know who you are, and what you want to do in life, the less you let things upset you."

- Bob (Lost In Translation)


Dear log,

I have now decided to change my pathetic and poorly grammared entries, as as one who prides himself in proper mannerisms and perfect language artistry I figure this step is now rather necessary and it is time to rid of my elipses prose and join the world of novels and books and fine oratories. And seeing it is I who have returned home not too long ago, as a matter of fact only two days ago, arriving in early morning, witnessing all the other passengers being greeted with their loved ones and smiles all the way, and there I, Joshua, left looking around and greeted by no one as the family was absent. Sometimes you get the feeling that things were just not meant to be, that everything happens for a reason, and all those shitty things that you are being inflicted by, not being freed from apprehension, are a symbol that you are doing something wrong. My incompetence was high as I erroded my final days in Canada. Flight delays, arriving at the airport twelve hours too early, being told you have the window seat only to sit where it was the only spot on the plane that did not have a window, these small discreptancies, you just think "Wow this really is compiling on now. I wonder what's in store for me next?" Besides being greeted by no one when you've been away from home a full year that is.

A year meant for soul searching, and yet now I'm more lost than ever. Who am I meant to be? What am I meant to do with my life? Where am I going to be headed? Will I move past this?

It's colder than I remembered it ever was back here. Yet another wonderment to last my perpetual winter for 2004. Twenty four years gone and still right back where I started. I know I can fight for something, for someone, for change, for a cause, for mightily purposes, to make a difference, to be known and accounted for, to make a name for myself, as soon as I know who that is, and what cause it should be, and who will be featured in it, and where I will end up locationally or will I recognise who that person will be?

I came home and Meggan's picture was confronting me. Needless to say I had to dispose of it.